"You have less care about me, so I ll leave." See through the toxic words in marriage

Only when you care less about me will I do it

When controllers want to cover up a certain behavior or purpose, emotional control is their most common method.

Emotional control is largely related to whether the controlled person is prone to guilt, shame or empathy, and depends on whether the controlled person trusts the relationship or the controller himself.

Control is to convince the "controlled person" and allow them to accept or face some difficult, painful, and even shocking situations and conditions that are strongly aggravated on them.

does not list all the emotions that may be controlled here, I only list the most common ones. But we all know that human imagination is indescribable and guilty:

"You have less company and less caring for me, so I will leave."

Rena, forty, married for fifteen years. "It's been so many years," she said. "I had a good relationship with my husband before. Although we treated people differently (he was outgoing, I was in the meantime), we had always cooperated well before, or we thought we were a beneficial mutual complement to each other. But the problem that came with the child has caused us to have not been very good for the past two or three years, and it was difficult to do so. Student: Last year, I found out that he was out.

"He did not deny it, but tried to make a cunning picture: I gave less company, I paid less attention to him, I saw him less …… Although I was very hurt, I still tried to understand him and find the reasons from myself. I wanted to save our relationship.

"However, now I can't control the development of the situation: I I can't forget it. Even if he promised me, I couldn't believe him anymore. I even did something that I couldn't understand: I often check his cell phone, and when he got there, I was shocked, and I realized that I became unreasonable.

"He reminded me to not force him into a hurry, but it was useless. In just a few days, I couldn't control myself again. Every time, I couldn't control myself. It seemed that our love was just that. He killed me the same way.

Does this mean I don't love him anymore? I don't think it's true: on the contrary, this makes me know that I love him and do everything. But what should I do to calm myself down before he makes up his mind to leave me, to make up for it, to find the past, to understand Lena's suffering is not difficult to understand: her husband is defeated. Not only did he not admit that he had done bad things, he instead made Lena feel guilty and accused her of being responsible for the matters she had done, because she had less time, less care, and even less times of meeting, and he was the victim! This behavior that goes against black and white may reflect that the man knows that he is doing something wrong.

If he is really dissatisfied with Rena, he should be dissatisfied with refusal to tell Rena instead of doing anything. This kind of overwhelming reality made Lena confused.

She loves him, so it is hard for her to realize that she is the victim (and to outsiders, this is obvious). This also explains where her behaviors that appear to be irrational from, and her behaviors also reflect that she is in an abnormal environment.

Making the other party guilt is the most common method of verb control. It relies on the other party's ability to perceive guilt. This ability is imbued to us by education, and the role of education can be seen. Under normal circumstances, we have all felt guilty and have caused others to feel guilty.

The three types of guilt

The means of guilt

can be divided into three types. A woman felt that her husband was away from her, and was cold to her and no longer touched her. The woman was very worried and asked her husband what was going on.

The first type, the husband will answer, "Look at these things at work, you will understand!" Or, "It's not that I am away from you, it's that you don't have time. You have to go on a business trip, you have to accompany your children, and what you want to accompany your parents." Or, "I don't know what you have to complain about, you even feel that you have no ability to be loved!"

The second type, the husband will answer, "I'm sorry You have these requirements. If you want to do this again, I will leave."

As for the third type, the woman's answer will be: "I don't understand why you don't understand me. I can't be too focused. You stand on my stand and think about it"

The controller will choose corresponding control methods based on his own purpose. For example, when two people are about to break up, people who want to end the relationship first will feel guilty themselves, and the best way for them to make themselves feel guilty is to let the other party take responsibility for breaking up: "I left you because you have been ignoring me over the years. You have not made any effort to let me continue to love you. You are all thinking about it (the following are optional situations) Children/work/family ……"You can't do that." "I'm not in your eyes." "You've never focused on me." ……

In addition, there is also: "You don't care about other people's pain at all. I'm not just my pain, you don't care anyway. But please think about your children, what they have to bear, the life you created for them, and the trust they trust you! ”

But this approach may not always work. For example, a woman fights the man and tries to make him feel guilty, and the latter may also be hit in the same way.

Of course, the woman will not let the other party despise herself like this, so she lists more evidence and even makes fierce reference to the other party. The man was not outdone, and he ejaculated the discomfort that had been buried in his heart in the past. From the beginning, in a few months, these two people may become experts in making people feel guilty.

※ This article is excerpted from "Toxic Words: Word Control in Secret Relations".

"Toxic Words: Word Control in Secret Relations"

Author: Robert Newberg

Translator: Yang Yanping

Publisher: Baoping Culture

Publication Date: 2021/01/06

"Toxic Words: Word Control in Secret Relations" is written in the book.

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